I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
