new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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