well I can't set my house on fire every night
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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