Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
