No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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