I met the friendliest cop last night
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
