I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Randomize
