frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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