Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
