I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
