I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
