Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
