saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
