i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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