I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
