at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
