the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You can't just leave with hair like that
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
