I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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