There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I had to cum in my sink.
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