My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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