but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
