I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
