I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
