Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
