Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
