I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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