You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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