Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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