so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
