i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
