Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
