Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Two words: blizzard sex
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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