i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
