Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
