my phone needs a breathalizer
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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