I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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