dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
