life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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