you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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