brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
