Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
