I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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