fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
