We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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