i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Randomize
