Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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