You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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