So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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