we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
