i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
